Edward Teach vs. Edward Cullen

OR

Let's explore the differences, their strengths and weaknesses. There is a list of questions I have here that will show who is the better Edward.

Question 1: Is the character in Blackbeard the Musical?

Edward Teach: Yes
Edward Cullen: No

Question 2: Is the character a man?

Edward Teach: Yes
Edward Cullen: Undetermined

Question 3: Is the character playing opposite 'Edward' annoying?

Edward Teach: No
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 4: Is the character's hair reminiscent of a woman advertising mousse or shampoo?

Edward Teach: No
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 5: Has the character been made into a Barbie doll?

Edward Teach: NO
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 6: What is the character's weapon of choice?

Edward Teach: Cutlass, pistol, you name it!
Edward Cullen: Body glitter

...I don't think I need to go any further. As a wise man once said, “The look makes the man.” Edward Teach—Blackbeard--is obviously the better Edward.

Now don't go and think that I'm not willing to give Edward Cullen a chance. I tried. As you can see in the following photo, even some pirate garb does little to improve the offensive image: