Mr. Israel Chester Hands

Blackbeard's first mate's name was Israel Hands, but it is a well known fact that his middle initial was "C". Recently, we have discovered that this middle initial stood for Chester.

This discovery has confirmed the fact (previously only thought as a rumor), that his great grand cousin Ralph, started a cereal company, and used Mr. Hands' preferred nickname, "Chester" and his actual likeness on a cereal called Chipmates, no doubt owing to the fact that Mr. Hands once held an entire island hostage in exchange for some chocolate chip cookies and milk.

The photo below compares that actual Mr. Hands to a close up of the likeness on the cereal box. The resemblance is uncanny:

Edward Teach vs. Edward Cullen

OR

Let's explore the differences, their strengths and weaknesses. There is a list of questions I have here that will show who is the better Edward.

Question 1: Is the character in Blackbeard the Musical?

Edward Teach: Yes
Edward Cullen: No

Question 2: Is the character a man?

Edward Teach: Yes
Edward Cullen: Undetermined

Question 3: Is the character playing opposite 'Edward' annoying?

Edward Teach: No
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 4: Is the character's hair reminiscent of a woman advertising mousse or shampoo?

Edward Teach: No
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 5: Has the character been made into a Barbie doll?

Edward Teach: NO
Edward Cullen: Yes

Question 6: What is the character's weapon of choice?

Edward Teach: Cutlass, pistol, you name it!
Edward Cullen: Body glitter

...I don't think I need to go any further. As a wise man once said, “The look makes the man.” Edward Teach—Blackbeard--is obviously the better Edward.

Now don't go and think that I'm not willing to give Edward Cullen a chance. I tried. As you can see in the following photo, even some pirate garb does little to improve the offensive image: